How to talk to boys about violence against women and girls: overcoming defensiveness and alienation

Blog

19 May

By Annie Chadwick

When I first started leading workshops on "healthy masculinity" with Voicebox, I remember standing in front of a classroom full of Year 9 boys, heart thumping, trying to explain what “VAWG” meant. That’s Violence Against Women and Girls. I could feel the tension rise before I even finished the sentence.

A few boys folded their arms, rolled their eyes. A few flat out laughed. I heard “Why are we being blamed for this?", "I’d never do that" and "Why aren't the girls learning about 'healthy femininity'?"

It was a turning point for how I now approach any work I do with young people. I realised then that the biggest barrier wasn’t a lack of care from the Year 9s. It was a fear of being blamed, misunderstood, or written off before they'd even spoken.

Especially as a female facilitator, I’ve learned how quickly a conversation can shut down if boys feel like they’re being talked at instead of talked with. If I walk in ready to ‘correct’ them before I’ve listened, I lose them. But if I show that I’m genuinely here to understand, not to shame, they're more likely to meet me there. In short: if I connect first, and critique second, things go much more smoothly.

These days, I’m Voicebox’s Marketing and Social Media Manager, as well as a White Ribbon Champion. While I’m now more focused on amplifying our message than delivering sessions myself, that time spent directly with boys in schools still shapes everything I write and share. I know what these conversations look like on the ground - and how powerful they can be.

I’m proud to say we’ve worked with over 37,000 young people across 160+ schools, local authorities and organisations to promote healthy masculinity. And the biggest lesson I’ve learned is this:

Boys aren’t disengaged - they’re often just defensive. And that’s something we can work with. We don’t need them to say what we hope to hear, we need them to say what they really think, so that we can engage with them where they are at.

Teenage boys don’t grow up in a vacuum. From the moment they start school, they’re taught - directly or indirectly - that “real men” don’t cry, don’t talk about feelings, and don’t like being told they’re wrong. So when we bring up misogyny, VAWG, or "toxic" masculinity many boys immediately feel accused.

Some genuinely don’t see how it’s relevant to them. Others have seen these terms used in angry online debates. And almost all of them, at some point, have felt misunderstood.

Having observed a lot of the online discourse around "toxic" masculinity amongst young men - especially since Netflix's Adolescence took over the internet - I fear many have forgotten that most of the young men they're referring to are, in fact, children. It's just not fair to place blame on those who don't have control over the lessons they absorb. What they need is guidance, clarity and empathy, not judgement.

But here’s the thing: boys want to be respected. They want to do the right thing. They want to be proud of themselves, and their identities. We just need to reframe the conversation so they don’t feel like they’re walking into a courtroom.

Language matters: healthy vs “toxic”

At Voicebox, we never use the phrase “toxic masculinity” in workshops. It’s not because it’s inaccurate, it’s because it doesn’t work with this audience (trust me - this is tried and tested).

Instead, we talk about masculinity in terms of healthy and unhealthy.

That simple shift changes everything. It tells boys we’re not against them being boys, and that we’re not looking to reject masculinity. We’re just asking: What kind of man do you want to be? And who benefits (or suffers) when you behave a certain way?

We use phrases like:

“Some behaviours are unhelpful - for you and the people around you.”
“Not all parts of masculinity are harmful. But some can be.”
“What happens when boys are told to ‘man up’? How does that feel?”

When we move away from blame and toward curiosity, we give boys the room to think, not just react.

If you work with teenage boys, you’ve probably seen the shutdown happen: folded arms, silence, maybe even a snide comment. But we can create spaces that disarm that defensiveness and turn it into dialogue. Here are some practical tips for teachers, youth workers, and anyone who works with young men:

1. Set the scene

Start with shared agreements: no judgment, all opinions welcome, listening is key. Let them know they won’t be “told off” for saying the wrong thing.

If you're sensing a hesitancy to speak in front of others, use an anonymous question box or online poll to give students a safe way to express their thoughts.

2. Ask, don’t tell

Try:

“What does it mean to be a ‘good guy’ in your friend group?”

“Have you ever heard someone say something about girls that didn’t sit right with you?”
“What do you think people mean when they say ‘misogyny in schools’ or 'misogynistic school culture?”

You're more likely to get a response from a group when encouraging curiosity. When they feel like you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts, they’ll show you their depth. Questions like these are also an easy way to make the discussion feel like a free running conversation rather than a lecture.

3. Connect through empathy

We often use short clips, role-playing exercises, or real-life stories to help participants connect the dots between what we've discussed and their own experiences. One activity that works especially well is asking them to reflect on a time they felt pressure to act “like a man.” Then we link it to how girls feel pressure too, and how these expectations, for everyone, can feed into harmful dynamics like misogyny or unhealthy relationships.

Boys are listening - even when they look like they aren’t. And when we approach conversations about VAWG and misogyny in schools with empathy, clarity and open language, we make it safe for them to step into the conversation - not retreat from it.

If you work with young people, I encourage you to check out our resources at Voicebox and explore how you can start promoting healthy masculinity in your school or organisation. As a White Ribbon Champion, I know that change doesn’t happen all at once. But it does happen - and it often starts with someone being willing to have a different kind of conversation.

About Annie Chadwick

Annie is a writer, actor and digital marketing professional who primarily works with and for charities and CICs within the creative industries. She trained in applied theatre (BA) and then scriptwriting (MA) at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama, a foundation that informs her distinctive voice and commitment to impactful storytelling with community at the forefront. Annie began facilitating with Voicebox in 2022 and now serves as its Marketing & Social Media Manager.